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It's Time For My Big Girl Pants

by Vannessa@Luxuria |

We are only 3 weeks into the year.

After a wonderful Christmas and New Year,
I was focused with game plan in hand,
and raring to go.


My New Year goals/objectives were
on track and I was making small
but consistent progress.

I was amped.

And then something unwanted and unexpected
comes along and completely knocks the winds
out of my sails.



My estranged and unstable sister shows up
after 10 years and instigates a chain of
events that sees me go into a melt-down, 
my poor Dad quaking with fear and my protective
but confused Husband
wondering can the family he married 
into get anymore crazy ;-)

It's left me raging with an anger I never
knew I had in me

It's left me so sad seeing the confusion
and sadness in my Dad's eyes


It's left me emotional watching my
poor Dad trying to keep
strong for me; a strength I know
he doesn't really have.

It's left me bloody angry that someone
who has not cared about anyone but
herself, suddenly feels the need to 
disrupt everyone's life and 
getting immense pleasure from it.


It's left me not having the energy to get 
out of bed, but knowing that that
isn't even an option.

It's made me realize blood is not
always thicker than water.

It's made me falter with indecision between
"she's mad, don't do anything", to
"I have to lawyer up if for no other 
reason but to 
protect the people I love".


It's made me determined but frightened;
this is legal territory I know nothing about.
But I will learn-I have too.

It's left me tossing about at night as 
I visualize scenes from CSI (of me
being handcuffed to Warwick ;-)
after being arrested for murder

It's left me getting up in a cold sweat.

It's left me feeling if I just 
take things one step at a time
I will come out of this the other side, 
(but still not totally convinced).

I know this calls for my
"big girl pants";-)

 I know it's  reminder that I  really can scrap 
with the best of them
if it means protecting the people I love.

I know how intensely
damaging hate can be (but I still
haven't worked out how to get past 
this one).



It's reminded me just how cathartic my
blog is. What started as a business tool
has now become much more than that.
I can sometimes bear my soul in
what is still a fairly anonymous way

Some would say take the high road.
But there are just some occasions
when you have to get down and 
dirty with the best of them.


It's made me realize that no
matter how I feel inside,
I will always put on my happy
face and sparkle for the outside world


stacking rings, gold stacking rings
This helped me maintain my sparkle
this week

It's made me accept
there are times when I just cannot
be "zen" about everything-but
that's not bad either.

More than anything
this week has reminded me 
what doesn't kill you
makes you stronger.


xxxxx